My son has left home to get his own place.

Dear Sayeda,

I am not sure how to write to you about this. I can’t imagine that this is very common in our community. My son has left home to get his own place. He has a great job, masha’Allah and he’s doing well. Each time he visits though, we end up having an argument. I say mean things to him such as “don’t visit” or “you hardly ever have time for us.” It seems like I’m pushing him away, but I miss him so much. I want to stop being mean especially since I don’t know why I’m doing it. After all, parents are supposed to live and accept their kids right? Not to mention, that he hasn’t done anything haram. How do I stop?

– Mean mom

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Answer

Dear Mean mom,

Salam alaikum. It isn’t that you are mean, its just that your behaviour may not be the most loving right now. Did this start after he left home? If your relationship was good when he was there, you’re probably acting this way because you’re feeling rejected. He left home to become independent, and you interpreted that to mean that he doesn’t love you.

Of course your son still loves you, that’s why he visits! Welcome him when he comes and spend time getting to know the man he is now. In the meantime, work on why you are feeling rejected. Did you have an expectation that he would always stay? Work on accepting that children do grow and livetheir own lives, and start looking for one or two things that you will finddeeply fulfilling. Perhaps volunteering, studying again, or doing something in the community will fill the spaces. Do something that makes you happy, and that will have a positive impact on your relationship insha’Allah.

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