Mum

Sallams I need some help with supporting my mum. She suffers from mental health and I struggle with supporting her and loose my patience. What package would you recommend. I live in the UK will that be ok?

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Where do I pay?

How do you pay?

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Sell development

Salam,please i want to develop my self,I’d like you to couch me through it.

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Shafique broke the procrastination habit…

Feeling like a failure for never achieving my goals and having to set the same goals year after year, I finally took the plunge and decided to contact Sayeda. I was so desperate for something to help me out of this rut that I felt that I was placing way too many expectations on life coaching. I was scared it wouldn’t work for me.

After my first session, I knew I’d made the right decision. I felt so much more positive, energised and passionate about my life again. Overcoming some milestones in my life, such as submitting an article to a magazine after months of procrastinating over my worth as a writer, I now feel I can do anything if I really want to. Sayeda has equipped me with valuable life skills which I know I’ll always utilise to help me create the life I really want.  Sayeda, thank you for your invaluable advice and support.

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3 Ways To Make Fasting More Productive

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5 Strategies to release resentments and anger this Ramadan

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3 steps towards becoming more assertive

Have you ever felt that your loved ones take you for granted? Do you feel that you can’t say no, but your needs aren’t considered. Don’t worry, you’re not alone on this one. Most people have felt this way at least once in their lives; most of us much more often that that. So, what do you do when your loved ones or friends just aren’t getting the message that you would like some time and space for yourself as well?

Step one: Understand your motivation:

The most important part to becoming more assertive is to realize that it is ok to say no once in a while. You will need to be aware of whether you are actually able to say no, and if not, then why is this the case. Reflect on the following question: “why do I really have a hard time saying no?” Begin your answer by “I find it really hard to say no because________” and write down all the reasons that come to you. Begin you answer with the statement each time. You will notice that obvious answers may include:

I find it really hard to say no because:

  • I don’t want to hurt people
  • I care about_____
  • I want to help others
  • It pleases Allah swt

Now, go beyond the obvious answers and keep asking this question till you feel your list is complete. Do this part first before reading any further. If you did this correctly, you were probably surprised by the last answers you came up with. The primary reason why we don’t like to say no is because we want to be liked, or even needed. The unconscious mind knows that if we say no when asked for help, then we may not be liked, needed, or appreciated by that person. The first step to change this pattern is to remember that giving in this way is meeting a need for YOU. This will encourage a sense of fulfilment and help reduce the resentment you’re feeling.

Step two: Identify your boundaries

Being available for others feels good, but it may lead to resentment and anger if we allow it to infringe on our own needs. It is possible that people ask you for things all the time because they feel that it is OK to do that. On some level, you’ve given them the permission. Either you say things like “let me know if you need anything,” or perhaps its just that you don’t have any boundaries. People pick up on our boundaries very quickly, if we have them in place that is. Our “boundaries” are our expectations from others. These include both how we expect to be treated as well as what we are unprepared to tolerate in someone’s behaviour towards us. Our boundaries are established over time and experience. For example, one realises that they don’t like being shouted at, by having had that experience in the first place.

In order for others to know when its ok to ask you to do things, you will need to establish some boundaries and then communicate them. Now spend a few minutes to think about the most important things you need/ don’t need in your relationships and create your own table. Remember to identify the most important behaviours on either side. Use the contexts and answers on the table as a guide. Remember that no one can meet all our needs all the time, so flexibility is important.

 

Area / ContentHow I expect to be treatedThings I am flexible onWhat I find unacceptable
My Marriage / Spouse- Include me in big decision

- Respect (return phone calls)
Different tasts- Drinking

- Abusive language
Children & Family MembersDinner togetherUnplanned visitsBack answering
Work & CommunityBeing on time for meetings

Now that you know what your boundaries are, you need to communicate them to the relevant people. Remember, that this isn’t about getting angry. You can do this in a polite and respectful way. This part of the exercise can be a little tricky because its how we communicate our message that makes the difference on how others feel about what we’ve said. Do you remember having an important conversation that just ended up going all- wrong? Why do you think that happened? Did the person misunderstand you? Remember, that the way someone reacts to what we have said tells us a lot about how we communicated.

Step 3: Communicate your boundaries:

Practice what you’re going to say by writing down a sample conversation. If you want to be accommodating while also respecting your needs, you might say something like “I really love being there for you and its such a pleasure, but I sometimes find it hard because of all the things I’ve got going on.” Talk about what you are willing to offer but also mention what you need from the other person. Remember to focus on the behaviour and not the person’s character. Once you have got your practice conversation, walk away from it for about 3 days. This will allow you to think over it, and for anything new to be added if necessary.

In the person’s shoes:

After three days, re-read the conversation as if you are the person on the receiving end of these words. How does it feel to hear this? Do you feel respected? Do you understand what’s being asked of you? Now come back to being yourself, and make any needed adjustments to what you will say. Once you are satisfied what you need to say, then make some time to have the conversation with the person.

Insha’Allah I hope that this technique will support you in creating a balance between being accommodating and meeting your needs as well.  

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How To Have Your Best Year Yet!

Listen to “How To Have Your Best Year Yet” on Spreaker.

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How to stay positive during tough times

Have you ever tried to stay “positive” during tough times? Perhaps it’s a troubled marriage, financial issues, illness, or any other challenging situation; staying positive can be just as challenging as the situation itself. As a Muslim life coach, I’ve had lots of people ask me whether I’m positive all the time. At times, friends have caught me feeling down, and said something like come on, you shouldn’t feel this way- you’re a life coach after all! Those are the moments when I’ve been the most down. Experiencing a challenge, and then being told that one shouldn’t be feeling that way; that is truly grating.

So what do you do during challenging times? How do you normally handle it? And, is it working? If you allow yourself to fall prey to negative thinking, what would happen? If you fight your way through it, what would happen? So, you tell yourself to be “positive” but “positive” in fact, is a value judgement. It has an opposite; being “negative” whereas having a “productive” state of mind means that one has flexibility. If you think about being productive instead of “positive” what that will do is allow you to be sad when sadness may be productive, which it can be.

Being productive doesn’t entail always being positive, instead it means responding to any given situation in a way that would be empowering and useful. Being productive allows for emotion, and it encourages us to think about what will be of use. When faced with tragedies in the way that we are, we need to learn how to create a productive mindset more than ever. Otherwise, this cycle of frustration, lashing out, and destruction will continue. Each and every one of us can make a difference when we respond in a productive way. So let’s look at a couple of ways to do that.

Strategy 1: Gauge each situation separately:

Imagine for a moment that you’re in the middle of an argument with a loved one. Do past incidences come rushing back? It is tempting to punish the person for every past mistake. What does that do? It leaves you feeling even angrier than before. One habit to learn is to gauge each situation for it is, and for when it comes along. Take a moment to ask yourself “am I blaming this person for things they may have done in the past?” Am I treating this situation in the most productive manner? If you (or others) find your reaction excessive, then it may be that you are bringing past occurrences into the mix. Learn to close things out as they happen. If you’re carrying baggage, then find a way to let that go, and a productive mindset will begin to emerge.

Take responsibility:

Do you know someone who talks first and thinks later? Things said or done impulsively can be destructive. Being productive requires that we think first, and then speak. Response-ability means that you can choose your response. This stands for any situation. We can choose to speak calmly or harshly, be kind or rude, do something, or take no action. Being responsible also allows one to notice consequences of their potential choices. So when something happens, stop, take a breath, think about your response and then take action. The first few times you do this will be difficult, but practice will make a huge difference.

Take productive action:

People develop habits for how they do things. Some work and some don’t. Obviously developing any “bad” habit isn’t deliberate- its just when we do the same thing over and over again, the mind makes a pathway for it. Procrastinating, eating junk food at a particular time, or getting angry each time an incident occurs are examples of patterns that may not work. Imagine that you’ve noticed an unproductive pattern. What are you tempted to do? Take drastic action to change it? One suggestion is to do one small thing differently, but do it each time the pattern occurs. It will begin to change the unproductive habit. Feel free to try new things until you find the balance.

Being productive is a necessity of us. Let’s break the patterns of apathy and negativity by being as proactive as we can- if we can change the way we react, things may actually begin to get better.

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How do I think of one thing at a time?

I keep thinking of multiple things at a time which makes me loose focus on doing what I am doing at the moment. Please help me out.

– F

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